Feeling down

The last couple days I've been feeling kind of down. Today's no exception, the only difference being I'm at home with my thoughts instead of at work keeping busy. I feel like I'm in a rut and don't know what's happening with my life, what direction I'm heading, what things will be like a year from now. 

My best friend is home right now which is massively helpful, but she is leaving in a month or so for a while. I'll see her at some point because I will take a trip, but I don't get out of my house much otherwise. And when she leaves I won't have the option of going over to her place. I don't like to spend my money too often because I have an addiction to leaving the country for preferably a month a year for Europe, and I need to save for that. My dream is to move to Europe; I've wanted this for years. Money gets in the way, resident visas, and now my health. It's a very frustrating situation for me.

I blame the prednisone right now for my feelings. I admit I have these thoughts without being on the meds but I can generally deal with them better. I used to speak with my friends over in Greece quite often but they don't come online much anymore, and when they do it seems like we've grown apart. Talking with them used to help me feel connected to the life I wanted. So no talking with them...best friend leaving....my body is turning into this thing I don't recognize...other things I can't even put into words...it just sucks.

I went to the gym today and felt pretty dumb. I guess that's the idea they're going for to sucker you into getting a personal trainer to help you learn how to use everything. I got a 2 month pass for $24 and the guy tried to offer me a something like an 11 month membership with personal training for $190 bimonthly. Riiiiight. But he put me in a mood feeling like I don't know how to take care of my body and get it to where I want. I know prednisone messes with body fat but I know I needed to work out before I started it. While yes, my pregnant looking belly should go away once the meds stop, I'm still won't look how I want.

These gym thing stresses me out. It's too macho body builder in there. I'm uncomfortable and told him so. Which sparks even more suggestions that if I have a trainer, it will be better.

I also tried to explain to him that I know I eat too much and need to stop my snacking. He said that I should find healthy snacks. I said I can't eat fruits and veggies, and he just didn't get it. He thought I didn't like them and I said no I have trouble digesting them and it can make me sick. Cue the "uhhhh...so maybe I should set you up with a nutritionist.." Thanks buddy, I have one. It's not helping.

In clothes I usually don't feel too bad (not at the moment of course, but in general). The problems arise if I need to be in a bathing suit and I feel really lumpy. Once I'm in Greece and I have the mental high of being in my perfect place, I usually don't care too too much, but I don't like pictures if I'm not feeling confident.

What I think I want is to get a membership with hot yoga. That is where I feel comfortable and happy and it relaxes me. Relaxing is important for us with IBD..if your in a stressful situation it can cause a flare. Yoga is just great all around, and makes me feel good about my body after I go a couple times. Problem is that it is soooo expensive and my work benefit would only cover 4 months. But I'm going to consider it, since going to the gym doesn't seem like my cup of tea.

This post was a downer, I know. It helps to have a rant though, I feel slightly better. It's a beautiful day today (somehow 12 in January??! Usually about -10 now) so maybe I will head outside for some fresh air. 

Bye for now